In the News...

In case you've only been watching one of the 134 channels that have covered nothing but the death of the King of Pop in the last two weeks, the MFP brings you some other things that have been in the news.

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Lean times in Pamplona, Spain as economists have reported that the poor economy has impacted the annual running of bulls. One disgruntled bull griped, "now they expect four of us to do the same amount of goring 6 bulls used to perform. It's bullshit is what it is."

A Boston-area inventor sued Kimberly-Clark on Tuesday, contending that the maker of Kleenex tissues and Huggies diapers had violated his patent for a device to detect bad breath. The forty-seven year old man claims that he has been using his device, which he calls a nose, since the early 1960s.

'The Ledge,' the new glass balconies suspended 1,353 feet in the air and which jut out 4 feet from the Sears Tower's 103rd floor Skydeck will open to public today, July 9 and will be closed to the public by mid-afternoon for cleaning of the mess left by all those who vomit and p!ss their pants immediately upon looking down.

Plans for the world's largest wind farm, which was to be located in Texas, have been scrapped, energy baron T. Boone Pickens said Tuesday. Pickens explained that it was a pointless venture, noting that the farm wouldn't even be the largest source of hot air in Texas, now that George W. Bush has returned to Crawford.

German police called to clear a road of a dead badger found the animal in question had in fact gorged itself on over-ripe, fermented cherries and, blind drunk, staggered out into the middle of the road. David Hasselhoff reportedly has no recollection whatsoever of dressing up as a dead badger.

Consumer groups are urging for stricter labeling for bottled water. The suggested mandatory labels would read, "Hey moron, you can get this for free, right over there (arrows in all directions)"

A drunk man sparked a slow-speed police chase after stealing a tractor to get home from a nightclub after his girlfriend left without him. When police asked him why didn't immediately pull over, he stated that he had a ho to plow.

Police say a man in Connecticut has been arrested because he showed up at a dental office naked. It is unclear if he has an attorney...or pants.

Australian children's author Mark Macleod's latest book hopes to encourage young, and older, souls to find God in the simplest of things. And to think, all this time God has been hiding in Arthur Kade's brain.

A Delaware man faces drunken driving charges after he was pulled over for speeding in northeastern Maryland and a sheriff's deputy noticed he wasn't wearing any pants. Delaware Police state that the man apologized for speeding but asked if they could hurry up and write the ticket as he was running late for a dentist's appointment in Connecticut.

Lenny Dykstra, the former star center fielder for the Philadelphia Phillies, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, court records show. In addition to curtailing his jet set lifestyle, he will also reportedly change his nickname from "Nails" to "Push pins."

Getting Learned

Here at the MFP we encourage the continuous adult learning. A few weeks back I had two great learning experiences I'd like to share with the class.

1. I learned that my friends throw great parties but don't buy enough beer. Mark and Jen had a lovely co-bday party at Jen's house in Queen Village. It was beautiful evening out on Jen's deck but everyone hung around later than usual rather than going out and eventually the beer was kicked. Next thing I know I'm breaking my "no shots policy" with some chilled shots of tequila. I saw someone using a shaker so I thought the tequila was cut with another beverage. Wrong, but it was chilled. Tequila is also probably the liquor I would avoid the most if given a choice due to over-imbibing at a high school graduation party. I certainly felt the two shots at Jen's later in the night but at no point did I feel I was in danger of losing my burger.

2. I decided that I wanted to start playing roller hockey again so I found an add on craigslist (not just for "massages" anymore) and joined a pick-up game that is played each Sunday morning from 9:30 - 11:00 at an indoor rink twenty minutes outside Philadelphia. I went to bed early Saturday night and Sunday morning I was up early and grabbed an iced coffee and tater tots (breakfast of champions) for the ride out to the rink. I showed up fully aware that I was out of shape but maybe not quite ready for 90 minutes of skating in full gear with just three subs in a building without air conditioning. I have to say, I fared pretty well - netting a couple of very nice goals. But around the 75th minute things began falling apart as each shift i came off with side-stitch and feeling overheated. Then, in the 83rd minute as I sat on the bench, I pulled a Kenna, that is I profusely vomited into a trashcan (thank god there was a trash can there so I didn't have to use the penalty box) while a 20 year-old kid looked on, terrified. Iced coffee and tater tots do not a good pre-game meal make.

Also, a special b-day shout out to Barny, MFP reader and contributor. Sorry we couldn't make it to the rafting trip but I was busy heaving into a trashcan and then at a family b-day party.

Sunday Night Sonnets: 30 Glorious Minutes (in my stomach)

Iced coffee and tater tots breakfast, yum;
A lovely combo to start this fine morn.
Salt of the tot at the base of my tum
Chased down with coffee is better than p0rn.
Simple, yet tasty, I think as I drive.
I pop and then drink, again and again.
Lobster could not make me feel this alive;
Keep your challah toast - I'll stick with my Zen
But if you should choose this meal as your own
It is best to keep your whole morning clear,
To avoid a grumble, maybe a moan
Stay on your couch, stay there, right on your rear.
For these flavors, while divine as you chew,
When combined with hockey might make you spew.

Recognize this Shirt?

If you saw me in person even once between the years of 1996- 2001 your answer to the question in subject line is almost certainly, "Yes!" I wore this Detroit Red Wings shirt at least once a week during college and often twice a week (and after the Great 6B Fire of 2000 once a day is probably a more accurate statement). There are many reasons why I loved this shirt, none of them involve a love of the Detroit Red Wings, and a few of them are sad, and since we don't talk about sad things here on the MFP (only uncomfortable things), these reasons will not be discussed. After college I grew up (read: lost the shirt) and stopped wearing my beloved Red Wings Shirt.

Tonight, the shirt was dug out of the closet as the Detroit Red Wings have the chance to eliminate the Pittsburgh Penguins and win the Stanley Cup. I didn't blog about the Stanley Cup playoffs because I was at first too busy watching it, and then later, once the Philadelphia Flyers were eliminated by the Penguins, I was too busy crying and getting face stitches. Obviously I am a Flyers fan - a big Flyers fan - and so of course I strongly dislike the Penguins. Especially Sidney Crosby. Evgeni Malkin is okay in my book since he is not overrated and mostly plays the game the way it should be played. I'm not saying I want to grab beers with the guy but it could probably be fun to scare small children with him.

I'm not quite willing to say "Go Wings!" but uh, I really don't want to see Crosby raise the Cup.

Photograph O' the Week

Although you wouldn't know it from the weather, the unofficial begin to summer has already come and gone with Memorial Day now two weeks behind us. I am a fan of all four seasons, but summer is by far my favorite (because it's the best) kind of like I was a fan of all five Spice Girls but Ginger was by far my favorite (because she seemed the easiest).

This week's Photograph O' the Week celebrates the arrival of the best season with a photograph that includes some staples of summer. Namely, boardwalks, bikinis, American Flag themed clothing, and feminine-poses. The photo also stars one of the Kind Readers of the MFP, Big Rob (whose birthday is this Sunday). As always, there is a story behind the photograph. I'll leave most of the details to the imagination, but a series of escalating bets led to Big Rob sporting the "bikini shirt" on the Ocean City, NJ boardwalk. Keep in mind that Ocean City is a dry town, so the influence of alcohol was not a factor. Bravo, sir!

Letters from the Editor

June 3, 2009

Obnoxiously Inebriated Girl at The National Concert
1234 Coors Lite Way
Whichever Town Your Parents Live, PA 191??

Dear Obnoxiously Inebriated Girl,

Subject: The National Concert at the Electric Factory on May 29

Let me begin by offering my sincere apologies for not writing this letter sooner. I know it's been almost a full week since our encounter, but I figured I would give you ample time to recover from the nasty hangover you surely have been dealing with since last Saturday Morning. Allowing for mailing time, I'm hopeful you can see straight by the time you receive this.

I think I speak for all four members of our party, when I say it was an absolute pleasure meeting you last Friday. Don't worry if you're confused; we won't be hurt if you don't remember us. After all, we didn't even meet until five songs into the show. There I was, standing with my girlfriend, packed into the crowd but with enough room to breathe and, more importantly, good sightlines for my vertically challenged girlfriend. It was a nice crowd, respectful of both the band and fellow fans. You really should have been there for this portion of the show but I understand if you were at McFaddens or Tiki Bobs (sorry, Buckethead Saloon) getting in the last Coors Lite special.

That was pretty awesome how you just wedged your way right in between my girlfriend and me. How did you know I wanted to listen to the show without her whispering sweet nothings into my ear. It was a little uncomfortable once you began bumping up against me and if I were a man with a bigger ego I may have thought this to be intentional. But no, I'm quite sure you had no idea I was even there. You did notice my girlfriend though after you dropped your phone (the first of many times) and realized you had your armpit directly in her face. Your excuse was so adorable though and we couldn't get mad at you, "Sorry, but I LOVE this song."

I love The National. Don't you just love the song Ada? I know you do because you yelled it out when they started playing Ada! You must really really love that song because you kept yelling out, "Ada! Ada! Adaaaaa! Ada! I looooovveeee this song! Adalahclkhhhhhhaaaaa!" Running time of the song is 4:03 and I'm guessing you professed your love of the song for at least a good 2:10 (hey you had to save some time for texting. You know who else I bet loves the song Ada? Probably the other 3,000 or so people at the concert! But none of them love it as much as you because nobody else yelled for 2:10 of the song.

I hope all of your cell phone pics of the band came out great but I fear most of them ended up being of the bald spot of the guy in front of us. I know you were confused that none of the pics were of the band, but you were swaying pretty bad when you would raise your hand, usually resulting in a phone being pointed directly at the ground in front of you instead of the stage.

If I can ask just one question. What was the deal with removing your plaid trucker hat, leaning forward, and shaking your bleached blonde mane all around like we were at a Brett Michaels show? Is this how the kids show they are ready to party these days. I wasn't counting but I'm not exagerrating when I estimate that you did this twelve times over the course of an hour. By this point you had moved onto another couple and I'm pretty sure the girlfriend appreciated you whipping her boyfriends face with your hair and backing up into him each time you tried to stand steady and check a txt message.

Hey, I hope I'm not being preachy and the fact that I was so subdued doesn't make you think I'm just 30 and boring. I've had a blast dancing/singing at my share of shows. Once at a Neil Young concert, when I was about 17 a couple in their 30s was visibly scared of me when I was getting spastic during Sedan Delivery. But that was their problem as I wasn't in their space, loud, or drunk. Guess what, I've even been drunk at a concert or 2 (hundred)...but again, there is a considerate way to do it.

Anyway, I'm really glad you enjoyed your first concert, err, I mean National concert. Next time you should come for the whole thing - I mean, you know, cause you LOVE them! Also, if you were not drunk and instead just suffer from a brutal combination of late stage Parkinson's and Turrets, please disregard this letter.

Warmest Wishes,



Ben Sherman

Enclosed (an awesome version of Sedan Deliver...seriously watch it -especially from 3:30 - 5:00 and tell me Neil Young is not an OGRE. Song was released in 1978, kind readers!)

Travel Tips and Tales: Portugal (with Photographs)

We made it back from Portugal just in time to enjoy a three-day weekend. Well played on my part. I thought I'd take a few moments to share some things I learned while in Portugal. We spent our first three nights in Lisbon, then caught a train to Lagos, on the coast in the Algarve region, where we spent two nights, and then bussed it back to Lisbon for one final night.

1. I learned I still have it. "It" being the look of someone who is looking to score drugs at all times. Back when I backpacked Europe with my friends in 2001 I was always the first to be offered drugs in every city/country we visited Keep in mind I was with Simeon of simeons.net so this was quite a feat. Usually, I was barely out of the train station before I heard the magic words "Hashish, coke, marijuana?" Of course I always declined but I took a bit of pride in the fact that I looked like I had disposable income while backpacking. I guess a bit of my skinniness/looking cracked out features also played a part, but whatever. Once I was this close to being on the receiving end of a full body cavity search while alone on an Italian train.

But now, I'm older, wiser, and more "responsible looking" (read: I don't have an open container of beer at all times). Surely, I wouldn't be picked out of a crowd by the degenerate drug dealers of Portugal, right? Not so much. About 15 minutes after getting settled in our apartment in Lisbon I ran out to the store for some supplies and was immediately offered "hashish, coke, marijuana." I thought for sure that this wouldn't happen (or at least not as much) when walking around with MTG. Again, not so much. I was offered drugs at an alarming rate, even when MTG was present. Final score was something like Lisbon: 27 Lagos: 0.

I'm pretty sure that the my terrible facial hair and face stitches gave me some seediness points that are factors a drug dealer considers before offering up drugs. Regardless, I think MTG was impressed/turned on by the fact that I am dangerous enough to be offered drugs. Thank you, drug dealers of Lisbon.

2. Don't let MTG lead you through fields/trails. In Lagos, we were hiking along the beaches which are separated by cliffs/rocks/fields and MTG decided to take the lead. She took decided to follow a worn path in a wheat field stating that it must go back to the road since it is worn down. We followed the path and ended up at an extremely creepy/abandoned house with no outlet to the road or anywhere for that matter. I had heard that there is no crime in Lagos*. That may be mostly true but if there has been crime in Lagos, I'm pretty sure it took place at this house. It's a good bet that the path was worn down from the Police walking back and forth to the crime scene. We eventually got back to the road once I was back in charge.

* I didn't find out until we returned that the whole Madeleine McCann kidnapping thing took place at Praia de Luz, which is about 3 miles from the creepy house. Whoops.

MTG leads us toward certain death

3. MTG is abusive. Multiple times she "accidentally" hit my chin/face stitches, including once when she threw my watch and scored a direct hit to the face stitches. I've decided not to press charges but I'm just saying she's abusive.

4. You know how you always have this romantic/idealistic vision of Europe, where everyone sits around cafes sipping espresso discussing the work of Pessoa? Well that's all true. But what you don't realize is how they're also just as obsessed with smut and tabloids as we are. On the bus ride back to Lisbon, the Portuguese woman next to me was engrossed in a tabloid story about Octomom. At least there is one area where we are ahead of Europe. Also, there was a LOT of smut channels on our t.v. at our apartment in Lisbon and MTG may have accidentally ordered Hard Bird. Can't wait to get that bill.

Pessoa: Genius poet or just an art fag?

5. When faced with the prospect of being left with a pile of unusable foreign currency and extreme exchange fees you will buy pretty much anything you can get your hands on. Case in point, our last night in Lisbon we went to the best fado club in Lisbon - food was mediocre and overpriced but the music was great. After the show, we still had cash to burn and found ourselves buying a 20 Euro CD/DVD set of fado hits of the guitarist for that night. I mean, sure the dude autographed it at the bar, but still, that's like 30 bucks for something that probably won't get a lot of play.

Actually, after dude autographed the CD we tried to leave without paying (I guess we forgot because we were so flustered being in the proximity of greatness) and the woman at the front reminded us that we still owed the 20 Euros. We paid and luckily I smoothed things over with a smooth Bonnie and Clyde of fado clubs joke that the woman laughed at. Though in retrospect, she probably has no idea who Bonnie and Clyde are and was probably just praying that the scary American thief with face stitches wasn't going to hurt her.

I have an autographed CD/DVD of this guy's music. Asking just 30 Euros.

Also, If you want to see the rest of the 400+ photos from the trip just shoot me an e-mail and I'll send you a Picasa invitation to view. Til next time.

Things Your Girlfriend Doesn't Like to Hear Two Days Before a Romantic Getaway

"How do you feel about going to Portugal with a guy who has face stitches?" This was the question I posed to MTG at approximately 7:50 on Monday night, almost precisely 48 hours before our Lisbon bound plane is scheduled to leave the ground at EWR.

At 7:30 all was right with the world and I was playing roller hockey with a couple of people at the local park rink. Just a minute earlier we were going to call it quits but I agreed to play for an additional 10 minutes after a quick water break. At about 7:31 I caught a puck in the chin and soon realized I had a pretty deep cut (because I am a man I did not fall to the ground and simply checked for blood while skating...there was blood, plenty of it).

The 40 something Russian man who was on my team and provided a questionable first aid kit suggested I go to the hospital to see if I needed stitches. I really had no idea if I was stitch-worthy since I've only had stitches once before (just a centimeter or so behind my new trophy) but I tended to trust my new Russian friend since he had a few pronounced scars on his face. I was sure his scars were distinguishable evidence of a vodka fueled brawl within the cramped confines of a Ukrainian bar in the early 90s, though he shattered my assumptions when he explained that the were the result of a sailing mishap while out at sea - and an example of how a wound might heal without the benefit of some stitches.

After phone discussions with MTG (her brother and sister are both nurses) I was still tossing around the idea of just throwing a band-aid on it and calling it a day when MTG got back to my place at around 9:00 p.m. and informed me that yes, I needed stitches. I hadn't eaten yet so I grabbed the last few pretzels in the cabinet and headed out to the hospital while she stayed behind since she needed to pack for our trip*.

Below is a timeline to take you through the key milestones of the rest of my night:

9:20 p.m.: I arrive at St. Peter's Hospital in the nb. I sign some forms and take a seat as I'm instructed.

9:24: There are a lot of people here. This is going to take forever.

9:36: My name is called. I go up to the front desk. Wow this isn't so bad I naively think on the way up. The strap a bracelet on me and tell me to take a seat.

10:20: My name is called again. This time a nurse takes my blood pressure and informs me that I will need stitches. I tell her it happened playing hockey. She asks me a series of questions including, "Do you use any street drugs?...Sorry, but we have to ask everyone. Athletes like yourself are always a no." This is funny on several levels. I guess playing roller hockey three times a year makes me an athlete. I'll take it. Then I comment that I guess Correll Buckhalter has never been admitted to this hospital. She stares blankly at me and wonders if I need oxygen. She takes my blood pressure and says it is a bit high. I explain that I was just watching Nancy Grace in the waiting room. I am sent back out where someone will be with me "shortly."

10:25: A very obese couple in their early 20s walk into the ER carrying McDonald's bags and drinks. They head into the back to presumably visit a friend who is in the hospital. I imagine them smuggling in a quarter pounder with cheese like a girlfriend visiting her incarcerated boyfriend might smuggle drugs or a shiv into the prison.

10:30: I realize I will be here for a while and begin reading Outdoor magazine (good read).

11:00: My name is called again. I place Outside on the table in front of me and look at the other poor saps in the waiting as if to say, "Suck it, b!tches!" Finally...I get complete some more forms and present my insurance card. I am told to have a seat and someone will be with me.

11:04: I return to my seat to find Outside has been thefted by another obese couple. Seriously? The only outside they're familiar with is the outside of a Boston creme donut. I am an athlete g0d d@mnit!

11:10: Everyone seems to be accompanied by a loved one. I am alone. It's cool though, I understand MTG had to pack for our upcoming trip.*

11:17: I decide I'll tell people in Portugal that I got my stitches in a street fight defending the American border from swine flu and hard workers. I'm hoping for lots of pity and maybe even some airplane wings or a chance to sit in the cockpit on the flight over.

11:20: Two hours, nice. Why do so many people here (patients checking in not staff) know each other? How often do people go to the ER? These are not people who know each other from visiting sick parents, these are people who know each other from checking into the ER for things like "skin irritation" and "bad headaches"

11:40: My name is called again. This time I am taken to the promised land. I am given a seat on a cot behind a screen and told that Dixie will be my nurse.

11:50: Holy crap the obese couples friend is in the area next to me. And, drum roll please...here comes the male half of the obese couple with FRESH/MORE McDonald's. I can honestly see his belly hanging over his pants and below his t-shirt. Don't these people know that McDonald's is bad for you?

12:10 a.m. (next day): First MTG ditched me and now Dixie. Did they remember to tell her? I am lonely. I wish I had someone to feed me french fries. Some people are truly blessed.

12:25: Dixie arrives: She is not wearing Crocs and my respect for her grows. I know they're comfortable and you're on your feet all day but how can I trust you with my health when you're wearing these ridiculous clown shoes. She comments on my sunburn and then asks if I got hurt playing hockey. Then she tells me a doctor will be with me shortly.

12:35: I begin texting Simeon of simeons.net since he is on the west coast and I'll know he'll be up listening to DMB or having his wife pull names from a hat for a soccer drawing.

12:40: The doctor sees me. I get my five stitches. That actually hurt a little bit. Dixie returns and gives me a Tetanus shot which I am scared crapless of (I hate needles) but it doesn't hurt at all**

1:10: I sign my papers and leave the hospital. I still haven't eaten and I'm hungry like the wolf.

1:15 a.m.: A 24 hour McDonald's drive thru appears on the way home. God Bless America.


So yeah, I'm going to Portugal in a few hours and I have some nice stitches on my chin. This is par for the course since I almost always have an injury while on vacation (usually of the foot variety). Also, I can't shave due to the stitches, and as we all know, I can't grow respectable facial hair. If you have any ideas of what style of facial hair I should go with while in Portugal, let me know.

The MFP will be dormant for a week while I'm away since I will be without computer. I had hoped to get some posts lined up for auto-release while I'm away, but five hours in the ER will really put a damper on your plans.

* As of writing this (at 12:30 EST Wednesday, May 13) just three hours before we leave for the airport, MTG still hasn't finished packing.

**Apparently tetanus shots like to creep up on you like a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. Felt fine at first, but my arm is straight buckled two days later!